I Discovered Something that Makes This Blog Worthless

I'm sad to say that the Goomba blog as you know it will shut down. I've decided to start a more expansive blog where Goomba will be discussed for sure but as a subcategory. Imagine my blog as your favorite channel and the Goomba section as one of your favorite shows... Why you ask? Well I think it's a disservice to Goomba for one. Eventually I will run out of things to say and I'll probably end up creating really horrible situations for Goomba to sustain content. Like Paragoombas parachute malfunctioning and him either ending up splotted on the ground or off course in some windmills. Not happy stuff... Then to make matters worse I discovered the Super Mario Brothers wiki's very extensive entry on Goomba. It breaks down every appearance, every subspecies of Goomba. Goomba in popular mythology. I'm done. Totally done.

http://www.mariowiki.com/Goomba



I mean they even have a Goomba quote. I'm miserable. I think I'll go home and hug my Goomba tonight. You didn't know I had a Goomba. Well I do. He doesn't walk and talk like the great voice prompt R2D2 I got my girlfriend Jen. But he makes noises. He also has a tremendous appetite. On various occasions he's eaten other stuffed animals, such as my pet owls.

So starting tomorrow, there will be a brand new blog... You can find all the Goomba entries there for sure. But this blog will talk about much more, much much more, so much in fact that you may need steal another brain from your local graveyard to store all the information I'll be talking about. Ready? Set. Yep.

Which Celebrity Looks Most Like Goomba

So I've already talked about the Goomba in the Mario Bros movie and how unsuitable he was. Now it's time to talk about lookalikes. I'd never do something crazy like remake the Mario Bros movie. Videogame movies shouldn't exist in the first place. Like you know how they do book adaptations of movies. I had a Terminator 2 book that was based on the movie. Not the other way around. I imagine they still do this kinda thing. It's the same deal with videogame movies. The natural process is for games to be based on movies. The other way around? Not so sure. Like did you hear they're remaking Street Fighter? At least the original Street Fighter was relevant back then. But look at this cast. Michael Clarke Duncan as Balrog? I mean I guess it kinda makes sense, although Balrog's a lot younger than Michael Clarke Duncan.

But enough! We're so off topic. The point here isn't to make Mario Brothers again with a new Goomba. It's not to make a Goomba movie. It's simply, who out there looks like Goomba? Or could pass as Goomba. Maybe for halloween even. Here are a few folks I've thought of:

Joe Pesci

I mentioned him before, but I think he's really like the human archetype.

Verne Troyer

Just paint him orange and put some eyebrows on him. It'll be an exact replica.

Gary Coleman

Same deal. Paint him orange. He's the right height and by this point he's old and a bit heavyset, so he's the right weight too.

An unidentified coworker (rhymes with Belmar) says Djimon Hounsou... Not sure about that one, but I like the out of the box thinking at least... Update: I looked up pictures of Djimon and I think it could work.

Like Oscar winning role work. But I already said it: WE'RE NOT REMAKIGN MARIO! Sorry Djimon, I guess you'll need to win an Oscar on another project.

Classic Goomba Throwback #1 (Mario Bros)

And another Monday has nearly ended. The end of Mondays are bittersweet. For one we get to go home. But then it means the week is moving forward and we're getting closer to the weekend. Great, right? Until it's another Monday. And it keeps going faster and faster. Ah, I wish I liked the weeks better than the weekends. I'll stop though. This is pessimistic. Instead lets think about the birth of Goomba. I guess the inspiration came from some good old Japanese anti-Italian sentiment. Goomba isn't exactly the nicest word for an Italian person. It's not on the level of the N word or the word that rhymes with maggot but it's not kind. As I understand, the "Goomba" is like a thuggish goon kind of character. He's the Joe Pesci. So really Goomba is a stereotypical characterization. It's like those Jewish miser figurines or jockeys in blackface. I guess I shouldn't support Goomba then. I guess I'm wrong....Hey, I can't help, he's too adorable.

Here we see the first Goomba.

Certain things haven't changed. The basic shape for one. And the eyebrows. He looks a lot angrier here, whereas now he's sorta like a bulldog: angry on the outside, all loveable on the inside. All this talk about birth and Goomba got me to wonder how Goombas are literally created. I guess sex doesn't exist in the Mario universe, although it's heavily implied that Bowser was having way with the princess. And surely Mario and her don't just hold hands. But let's say that the Mario world had to somewhat follow the real world. How do Goombas reproduce? I don't think I've seen any female Goombas, although I should research that a bit more. But as you'll see in future Classic Goomba Throwbacks, baby Goombas do appear to exist. It could be an amoeba sort of thing going on. The most logical answer of course is that Goombas are really robots. Why they don't have googly eyes or metal cranks, you got me. It's the only explanation for how they're so many of them. And it's possible the baby Goombas never grow into full Goombas but simply exist to throw off Mario and play on his sympathy. As if maybe when Mario sees one, he thinks for a second "aw what a cute Goomba" and that'll give the Papa Goomba enough time to attack.

Or perhaps it's only a video game and I have severe issues.

Goomba Question of the Week

So here's my pressing question. Bowser spits fire. The Koopa wizard guy shoots shit from his wand. And the Koopa Troopers are turtle creatures so they...well if you've ever had a turtle, you know that those fuckers can bite like hell. Of course Nintendo has always been a very G rated system (remember the original SNES Mortal Kombat had no blood!?) so they can't show Koopa biting Mario, but that's probably what happens. But what does Goomba do? He appears to just kinda walk into you and that's enough. At least in later games like Galaxy he sorta charges and you can make out his teeth, so the biting method is possible for him too. But early on? He literally just walked into you. Does he have poisonous skin? This seems absurd since Mario jumps on his head to kill him, unless of course the top of the Goomba head is a safe zone. Perhaps his effect is psychological. He scares Mario so much that Mario has a seizure and either shrinks (if he's Super) or dies. Or maybe the Goomba core is like a black hole and as he hits Mario, the core gets too close and Mario combusts (of course this is also too graphic).

What do you think fellow Goomba fans?

Giraffes and Zebras

So here's my first non-Goomba post. Don't worry. Goomba will be back soon.

I remember learning my animal noises as a child. The dog's "woof," the cat's meow, the donkey's "hee-haw." I could recite them all. Some kids could do times tables, I could do a gorgeous choir of barnyard noises. Now once I left the barnyard realm, things got tricky. Some animals didn't appear to make noises. One of my favorite "mute" animals was the giraffe. So tall and full of spots that always looked like delicious pancakes to me. Around the same time that I began to ponder giraffes, Manute Bol started to play for the Sixers.

One time, I great great court side seats from a rich friend and I clearly could hear Manute talk during the game. At the time, this proved that giraffes made noise, but my Dad corrected me. Manute equals man, giraffe equals animal. Great. I now understand the racist subtext of my assumption that Manute Bol was a giraffe, but that sorta thing is pretty innocent when you're five.

Anyway, years later, in an eighth grade science class the teacher told us that many animals made the storied "neighing" noise. Horses, ponies, zebras. And giraffes. I literally fell out of my seat, dropped to the ground shocked. Giraffes neigh? No way. But I never questioned. Never looked it up for proof. I accepted this as a fact. Just one of those things. But now that I'm nearly 27 I want answers. Do giraffes neigh? So I googled "what noise do giraffes make?" I wanted to keep it open ended, not causing the google search to generate false positives. The first sight I looked at - a subset of Discovery Channel called "Dear Digger Doug" - claimed that giraffes barely make any noise. And if they did make a noise, it would be a bleat like a calf. Interesting, but no mention of neighing. Another site confirmed the bleating and also said giraffes grunt. Loudly too. But still no neighing... So I caved and typed "neighing giraffe" into google... And I got plenty of hits. Hundreds, thousands. A few references to neighing giraffes. Tons of people asking "do giraffes neigh" or "I thought they didn't have voiceboxes" but nothing definitive.

So my conclusion? Giraffes probably don't neigh. They probably aren't mute either. Whether or not they have voice boxes, I can't really tell. I'm sure I could search more but I don't have a research assistant and my head hurts.

More Goomba tomorrow.

Goomba in Mario Bros. the Movie

I've never seen Mario Bros. Call me that purist who refuses to watch the big budget adaptation of a beloved novel. Perhaps a live action Mario cartoon. But there's absolutely no place for a live version of the Mario characters. Can you imagine a human Grimace? Well I've known many people that could probably play a human Grimace but that's besides the point. Which brings me to my next question. Would you be horrified if a McDonald's character showed up in a Mario game? There would be no mention of McDonald's and it wouldn't be that little pedophile Ronald. Like Grimace or Hamburglar. Or even a Goomba or a Koopa dressed as one. I'm conflicted. On one hand I like crossover. If you can have Sonic in a game, why not Mayor McCheese? But on the other hand, I don't want to do anything that'll make McDonald's feel better about serving liquefied chicken that has been reshaped into a breast facsimile. And it seems like McDonald's is a little sick of its characters anyway. I don't think they even sell the cookies anymore. Perhaps the better question is should Nintendo take over McDonald's? No more Big Mac. It's Big Bowser. Nothing like some delicious Koopa meat to get me through the day.

Oh but I'm off subject. The point is that this is Goomba from the Super Mario movie.

I mean what the fuck is this? They couldn't try just a little bit harder? This is like expecting to hear Roberta Flack's "Feel Like Makin Love" and instead hearing Bad Company's "Feel Like Making Love." This is like hearing that Arrested Development is back on the air only to see a reunited Mr. Wendell Arrested Development bouncing around in all their Afrohippie glory. Sometimes it's important to get what you expect. And a live action Goomba? Nothing more important.

GOOMBA IN MARIO BASEBALL

So my good friend James (http://www.greenpeaness.org/) lent me Mario Baseball for Game Cube. I knew of Goomba's existence in this game (see my first blog posting) but I hadn't played it for real. That all changed today when I popped the game in my wii (for those not in the know, Wii playes Game Cube games). I started a 5 inning exhibition game. There was no Team Goomba so I had to settle for Team Birdo. I chose Team Luigi as my opponent and Peach stadium as the home field. Then came the good part. I set my lineup. Now I WANTED to make Goomba my player at every position but that didn't seem to be an option. Instead I put Goomba at 1st base and Paragoomba at shortstop.

I was the home team, so I started in the field. Neither of the Goombas got any balls hit to them but they both looked ready had something come their way. Then came the batting. Baby Mario got a single. Then up came Paragoomba! He hit a bloop single to left field!! Hell yes... Next, Peach got walked. Then Wario struck out. And bam bam bam up strolled Goomba. Bases loaded, one out. Here was his chance to shine and give us the lead, at least tie the game.

The first pitch.... He spins around, fangs ready to devour the pitcher and whiff STRIKE 1...

The second pitch... STRIKE 2

The third pitch.... ground ball........... 5-4-3 DOUBLE PLAY

WHAT THE HELL GOOMBA? WHAT THE HELL???? I had a very serious word with him in the dugout before going back out on the field. I think he's learned his lesson. But I'll have to find out for sure later though because my lunch hour ended and I had to go back to work.